1. |
Dr N. Guy, PhD
02:52
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Pardon me, milady,
But could I have a word?
It has come to my attention
That your boyfriend’s such a turd.
He treats you like a child
Doesn’t care about your life.
But I would be responsible
If you were my wife.
I don’t get why I can’t get
Any action.
I don’t think that we should blame
My actions.
This could be us,
If you didn’t have a boyfriend.
No muss, no fuss,
If you get rid of your boyfriend.
While you’re here, milady,
A word about your face.
You wear a lot of makeup,
And I think that’s a disgrace.
You have your natural beauty,
And you have my love.
But it’s your decision,
When push comes to shove.
I don’t get why I can’t get
Any action.
I don’t think that we should blame
My actions.
This could be us,
If you didn’t have a boyfriend.
Nothing to discuss,
If you didn’t have a boyfriend.
This could be us
If I weren’t friendzoned.
This could be us,
And we could have boned.
Why do we always have to be "friends"?
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2. |
Clubbing is Shit
04:43
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I walk into the club, like "what's up, where is the pub?"
I don't know why we come here anymore.
Fuck the six-quid entry fee, I'd rather be home, sat on the settee,
Keeping my eyes on the rugby score.
Well, it's 2am with strangers around,
And the couple right next to me have bumped and ground.
And it's £5.50 for a pint of Magners,
And they don't play any good bands, like Madness.
I know this isn't the place for me.
But my friends say it's the place to be.
Well, I enjoyed the pre-drinks, but down here it's too loud to think,
And this treble-vodka tastes like someone's mung.
I walk into the Men's room, but I saw a guy in there doing shrooms,
And he dropped his pants and screamed "I'm super hung!"
But I'm still stuck in the club for now,
I'm wide awake and I don't know how.
And the "Blurred Lines" types are starting again;
Dave, Steven, Adrian, and Ben.
[Chorus]
And the music keeps repeating itself,
And the music keeps repeating itself,
And the music keeps repeating itself,
And the music keeps repeating itself...
My mates want a taxi back,
But I spent all my money, I ain't got jack.
And on the way home a homeless bloke
Asks for spare change, but we're all broke. Why?
We spent it on a fucking six-quid entry fee!
And one of my friends has gone off for a pee, in the street.
And I lie in bed, and I hate myself,
As the music keeps repeating itself,
And the music keeps repeating itself,
And the music keeps repeating itself,
And the music keeps repeating itself,
And the music keeps repeating itself,
And the music keeps repeating itself,
And the music keeps repeating itself,
And the music keeps repeating itself,
And the music keeps repeating itself,
And the music keeps repeating itself,
And the music keeps repeating itself,
And the music keeps repeating itself, (I know this isn't the place for me.)
And the music keeps repeating itself, (But my friends say it's the place to be.)
And the music keeps repeating itself, (I know this isn't the place for me.)
And the music keeps repeating itself... (But my friends say it's the place to be...)
And the music keeps repeating itself, (I know this isn't the place for me.)
And the music keeps repeating itself, (But my friends say it's the place to be.)
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3. |
Skank!
01:47
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Do-do do do do do, do-do do do!
Do-do do do do do, do-do do do!
Do-do do do do do, do-do do do!
Do-do do do do do, do-do do do!
Do-do do do do do, do-do do do!
Do-do do do do do, do-do do do!
Do-do do do do do, do-do do do!
Do-do do do do do, do-do do do!
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do,
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do,
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do,
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do. Chk, chk!
Do-do do do do do, do-do do do!
Do-do do do do do, do-do do do!
Do-do do do do do, do-do do do!
Do-do do do do do, do-do do do!
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do,
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do,
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do,
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba,
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba,
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba,
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ba. Chk, chk!
Do-do do do do do, do-do do do!
Do-do do do do do, do-do do do!
Do-do do do do do, do-do do do!
Do-do do do do do, do-do do do!
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do,
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do,
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do,
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do. Ch-ka-ch-ka-chk!
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4. |
Executive Decision
04:48
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Pen me in for a meeting with a sweatshop CEO,
As soon as possible, before our managers go.
How on Earth do they keep conditions so low?
It isn’t legal, but it’s cheap, so I need to know.
While we’re at it, how’s our supply of mice?
How do they react when you freeze them in dry ice?
Is there a problem when you put E-numbers in their eyes?
When they’re dead, we could use them to flavour our rice.
You don’t need a salary, when your bonus is high.
London’s too cheap, so let’s move to Dubai!
Alternative facts? More like sweet public lies!
Buy that ethical company, we need that disguise!
Get me a skinny latte, and Columbian coke,
Dispose of that cleaner - that wasn’t a joke!
You’re sitting around, but there’s plenty to do.
I’ll make a decision, to fire you!
Did Brewdog insult us by sending us some beers?
Don’t they know that all I like is orphan tears?
And not just any orphan, no, my dear,
It needs to be those that come from Tanzania.
I swear this lift gets slower by the day.
I know I work on the hundredth floor, OK?
Work smart like me, and you might earn 50k.
If you want to earn more, then get ready to accept my spray.
Get girls in the STEM fields, are you fucking whipped?
Take your Marxist ideals, bury them in a crypt.
Other people’s existence is to simply obey,
Burn that suit in a fire, don’t just give it away!
Some oil has spilled, but I couldn’t care less.
We invested in spill kits, so it’s all for the best.
Company time’s no time to go for a poo.
I’ll make a decision, to fire you!
Hello, is that Mont Santeau? Oh, hi Stacey! I didn’t know you worked here!
Zero hours? Wow, that sucks… Least you’ve got some work now, eh?
Yeah, so, anyway, the boss wants to talk to your directors, something about reducing work conditions?
Reducing workplace liability, yeah, that’s it. He’s free on Monday after 12…
1:15, perfect. Thanks, Stacey! Talk soon! Bye!
God, I hate this place. I just… I… ugh, I need a pint.
The pressure is mounting, can we buy an MP?
The Lib Dems are useless, we could purchase Tories.
Employment quotas? Just fetch me a man,
If he says he’s a woman, then that would be grand!
If the future is doomed, send my children to Mars!
Don’t ask Richard Branson, the man is an arse.
I swear you’re as useless as a sherbet canoe.
I’ll make a decision, to fire you!
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5. |
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I'm sure you've heard this before
When your flatmate walks in through the door
But the boyfriend or girlfriend is with them too,
And they lock themselves inside a room and
All. You. Hear. Is. Thum-ping. And. Some. Screams.
'Cause. The. Girl. In-volved. Has. Gone. And. Creamed.
Sex is a normal thing to do but I was trying to work.
But now I’ve popped a boner and I really need to jerk.
And that’s sodding weird, right, I’m sick right down to my belly.
But I’ve been single for months now and I am fucking jelly.
It’s been a couple of months, now, and I’ve heard not a peep.
But then I got woken up, while I was half-asleep.
It was my other flatmate, and he had just seen a band.
And he woke me up with his “one-night stand”.
He. Came. Home. With. Some. Blond-Haired. Young. Lass.
She. Said. To. Him. “Shag. Me. In. The. Ass.”
That was sodding nasty, I didn’t need to hear that.
I don’t want to imagine his penis going where she shat.
I hope he used a condom if he had anal that night.
Because if you don’t, well, you’ll get a UTI.
It’s not that I’m repressed, or that I’m some kind of prude,
I just find it kinda weird that my mates are in the nude.
They start shagging when I’m watching Eastenders,
And all I can do is wear ear defenders.
So, I moved away, to an apartment block.
Living on my own has been a bit of a culture shock.
It seemed nice and quiet, and the rent was fairly cheap.
And I thought to myself "at last I can get some sleep”.
Then. I. Heard. My. Neigh-bour. Shout-ing. “MORE!”
Turns. Out. They. Film. Dun-geon. Porn. Next-door.
No wonder the rent’s so low, with all that bloody racket.
Every bottom my neighbour sees, she walks around to smack it.
I don’t know what a “bukkake” is, or how to spell “BDSM”.
But I guess I’ll never complain about my flatmates ever again.
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Skaposting Newcastle Upon Tyne, UK
Skaposting is an ungodly combination between one guy's love for ska-punk and most of his previous stand-up routines.
www.facebook.com/Skaposting-2040621362878823/
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